I’ve been wanting to post this for a while, yet, I don’t want to come across as insensitive, though I’m not sure why because no one (overly dramatic) cares about mine.
During my entire pregnancy I had 1 friend that refused to be happy for me. Actually moments after my pregnancy announcement she posted on Facebook, how she’d like to punch a pregnant woman in the face. This “friend” can’t conceive, and while that is horrible and heartbreaking, it’s not my fault. I realize it can be difficult to channel your anger and jealously and pain properly when you feel it so deeply. This rage continued my entire pregnancy. If I complained about being sick (I suffered from hyperemesis), she’d post something mean about how pregnant people shouldn’t complain. Sorry, but let’s be real pregnancy is not all unicorns and daisies, and just like she’s allowed to be sad, I’m allowed to be fucking miserable. I mean, not being able to keep any food down, including water for 5 months sucks. She continued to post about how pregnant people need to be sensitive to her and not mention their pregnancy or invite her to showers, that she shouldn’t be forced to be happy for a pregnant person. I kept quiet, shocking I know. But I really wanted to blast her one. I mean she has no clue what any pregnant person has gone through to get pregnant. She’s assuming it was easy. What if they suffered too? What if they had a loss? I mean really, she had no clue, she is so stuck in her own misery that she just is mean. And I kept thinking, sympathizing with her, that what she’s going through is so terrible. I can’t imagine not having my kids. But then I thought if I can feel her pain and be sensitive of that, there’s no reason she can’t be happy for me, or at least shut up about the negativity. Ya know? I mean she was trying to take away my happiness about my baby. It was very frustrating. Then my postpartum depression/anxiety hit afterwards, and I thought, she’s why people don’t talk about it. She’s why people hide it. We’re supposed to be happy because we’re the lucky ones who were able to conceive. How dare we be sad?! How dare we feel anything but pure joy?! Then I thought you know what? Fuck that. I’m going to be a voice. Mommies, it’s ok to be sad. Your feelings matter too and you don’t really have control over it. We need to stop allowing others to tell us how we “should” feel. Every ounce of everything we feel is just as important as how anyone else feels. We need to stop being scared to talk about it. I realize I’m “anonymous”, but every ounce of me and my feelings are real. And the only reason I’m anonymous is because of that specific shitty person in my life.
I don’t in any way diminish the struggle to have a child. It’s heartbreaking. I feel very bad for those who ache for a child. So, please don’t take my message that way.
I want you ladies to know that despite the fact that having a baby is supposed to be pure joy and happiness, the raw reality of it is, it’s not. It’s messy. It’s confusing. It’s hard. It’s a Rollercoaster of emotions. It’s happy and wonderful, you feel love you’d never thought you’d feel. But it can also be dark. BUT there’s hope, there’s light at the end of the tunnel…