I know, I post a lot, but when you have this much crazy running around in your head it needs to go somewhere.
I have always had the resting bitch face face. My friends always have to explain to people that “she’s really nice, that’s just her face”. I have this look mastered. It’s not intentional, it’s just my face. Cashiers apologize to me when the person in front of me has taken 6 years to check out because they have to tell them about their cat, even when I am not completely annoyed, my face says differently. Walking through the halls at work, I always get told to smile…but I mean really, who the hell just walks around smiling?
Well, with this whole postpartum depression/anxiety thing going on, I have developed a new face. It is the “you look like shit” face. At work, daily, if not more frequently I am told “you look tired”, “you look sick”, “do you have a headache today?”.
I have always been a pretty gal. But lately, I don’t see it any more. When I was home with little man this summer, it was selfie after selfie of me and him. I was bright and shining, full of real smiles (don’t get me wrong, I had my bouts of crying spells and anxiety). But now, every picture I go to take, I crop me out of it. There is no sparkle left. There is just this empty shell. My eyes have dark circles, my make-up doesn’t stay on because I am crying all the time. I have headaches daily, which you can always see those in my eyes.
Today, my boss said that he can see it in my face that I am not the same. I don’t laugh and joke anymore, I rarely socialize with anyone anymore. He said he can tell that I am just not myself right now. I didn’t really think much about it, I mean I know I avoid conversations with people because I am afraid I will start crying. Honestly, I didn’t think anyone really noticed the change. But then one of the guys I work with came in at the end of the day and we chatted a bit, and I laughed, he said “it’s good to see you smile”. I thought WOW, you can notice. Everyone must be able to read my misery on my face.
I need to find my sparkle. I need to get it back. I would much rather have my resting bitch face over the “you look like shit” face. I am so tired of feeling like this. I just don’t know how. My therapist said that being home with my little man is probably the best cure and treatment for me. But the reality of it is, we need to pay our bills. So, what do I do? How do I find myself again? How do I get my sparkle back?