Ok,back to my story and how I got here…

Little Man was born 4 weeks early. No complications. Delivery was fairly easy. My hospital stay was a bit overwhelming. I had surgery to have my tubes tied 5 hours after he was born. It seemed like the only time I got to hold him was when the nurse was forcing him on my boob…he was early,I had no milk. It was just too much and I was thankful to go home.

It was probably a day or two after being home and the baby blues set in. Overly emotional about everything and also, like clockwork at 5 pm every day the tears flowed for “no reason”. Then the anxiety started. I didn’t want to be alone. My husband got to know my “look” when I was about to lose it. My husband even had to go to bed at the same time as me, whether he was ready or not. He was a good sport about it. I lost my mind when I got my leave paperwork in the mail. 6 weeks?! Who the fuck thinks 6 weeks is enough time after a baby is born?! He hasn’t even had his shots yet, how can he go to day care without his shots?! OMG, day care?! We haven’t found the perfect day care yet. How are we going to afford day care?

They say baby blues last 10-14 days, so the count down started. I hit day 10, still crying and anxious. Okay, by day 14 it will be over…day 14 came and went. Once I went a whole day without crying, my husband and I high-fived. But I wasn’t getting “better”. Everything little thing sent me in to a fit of tears (still does). I worried about everything (still do). Once my husband said “you have to stop crying you’re scaring the kids”…in my head I’m thinking “you fucking quit crying, the fuck?!, because I clearly have control over it”. But I mean, thank God for him watching over me. We finally hit the “I think it’s time for you to see a doctor”. If he hadn’t been so observant and asking me daily how I was, I may not have sought out help.

I called my doctor. She extended my leave so I’d have time to get in for my 6 week postpartum check and get evaluated. She was booked, so I had to see another doctor. I go in and explain what is happening. She said she’d refer me to psych but I can’t mention postpartum depression. My head about exploded!! I am thinking, why!? How can I get treatment if I can’t say what’s wrong?! Does the clinic get bonus points if they have less reports of postpartum depression. I left in tears…again. I sat in the parking lot bawling. I grabbed my phone and Google searched postpartum depression doctors. I found a list of therapists that specialized in postpartum depression, I emailed one and have been in therapy ever since.

I’m not cured. I feel like I’ll never be “normal” again. We’re talking medications now…to start or not. When I asked my husband what the thought, he said “I don’t disagree that it is needed”. But we both have the same concerns over being medicated, we don’t want the zombie effect. I am supposed to decide by my next appointment if I want to go that route so she can coordinate care (and also refer me to a clinician that will take it seriously).

That’s how I got here (condensed version).

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